Oh, hey, Ray Come on up
Oh Ow!
Sorry, sorry
Hi
Are you all right? Not really I've got a weird situation going on
I've been calling you all morning Sorry My phone's been off
- What's the matter? Did you fight with Leah? No
Lisa and Michelle, the lesbians I've been donating my sperm to, they've disappeared
I'm worried about them Why do you think they've disappeared?
I don't know My emails are bouncing back
Their phones are out of service It's been going on for five days
What if they had a car accident? Or they're in a coma?
I don't think they would both be in a coma
They do everything together
- Have you called the local hospitals? I don't know their last names
You've been giving them all your sperm for months
Yeah, but I'm bad with names Well, they're probably out of town on a trip
No, they would have told me We've become very close
Look, for years I've been jerking off purely for medicinal reasons, like lancing a wound
But trying to have a baby with them has given it new meaning
I understand What if something happened to them?
What if Michelle wasn't conceiving and they just dumped me?
I don't know Where was the last place you saw them?
Ozzie's Cafe It's where we did the sperm transfer
Let's go there Why?
In detective novels you always start where the missing person last was
- and work your way back. OK
You sure you can take a writing break? Yeah, I'm at a really good stopping point
Let's go
You do all the talking. She doesn't like me
- Hi. Hi
Can I ask you a few questions? Who are you?
My name is Jonathan Ames I'm a private detective
You don't look like a cop I'm a private cop
You a security guard? Why aren't you wearing your outfit?
Private detectives don't wear outfits, OK? Look, do you recognise this man?
Yeah, I know him He comes in with a cooler every few days and doesn't order anything
I'm an illustrator I'm a little low on money right now
You ever see him with two women? Yeah, they were nice They spent money
They also had a cooler It was weird Why were you always carrying that thing?
I don't mean to be rude, but I was transporting chilled semen
Shut up You shut up
Look, the two women you saw him with are missing
Do you know where they live? I don't know where any of these people live
Let me ask you, if you don't know where they live, how do you know they're missing?
- That's an excellent point. That's not cute
- Hey. Yeah?
I've seen them at the food co op
You have to be a member to shop there So they'll have their address
OK Thank you That's very helpful
Sorry, it's all I got I'm kind of a starving artist
You look like you eat all right to me
I know all the members of the co op,
and I can't place a couple named Michelle and Lisa
But Park Slope has more lesbians than any other city in the US
It's kind of like San Francisco, but for women
I love San Francisco The light there is very beautiful
Shit You must have seen 'em Michelle is large chested
Lisa is very strange She doesn't look at you in the eye
She had those tattoos on her neck, the circle thing with a cross going down
that stands for vaginas or women's restrooms or something like that
You know who he's talking about, don't you?
Yeah, I know 'em I've seen that tattoo
But their names aren't Michelle or Lisa
What are their names? Where do they live?
I'm not telling you This is a food co op, OK?
People expect privacy. We have ethics here
Would, uh
- $20 help you with your ethics? Who do you think you are?
The people who work here are like family
I'm not gonna betray their trust for money
Well, I might have something else that interests you
I like a man who carries a one hitter
I can tell that this is good stuff
because I'm kind of missing everyone in my life right now
but I don't mind, because it's like a beautiful sadness
That happens to me too when I'm high
I miss everyone and I love everyone
When I get high I realise that I clench my anus
- That's not healthy. You clench it all the time?
Yeah, but smoking helps me unclench it
See, that's why pot should be legalised
OK, I think this is what you guys are looking for
- I've got to get back to work. Yeah
Thank you so much I really appreciate it
I was worried about them We're trying to have a baby together
Yeah, thank you And if you see them again, please give me a call
Or call me if you want some more of this pot
The guy I deal with is very organic and hydroponic
Thanks, yeah We should definitely smoke again sometime
I just ordered this vaporiser The Volcano
They use it on cancer patients in Germany
Great It's really healthy
It's what Woody Harrelson uses
Why would they give me false names?
I had a crush on a Michelle, not a Margaret
That co op girl was really cute
I think she kind of liked me I think she liked your pot
She liked me And my pot
OK, they're not answering Now what?
Hello
Yes, building inspector. I need to be buzzed in
Go fuck yourself
Hello
Uh, yeah, it's, uh, uh, UPS
I have that thing you ordered
Nice
I can pick the lock
Why didn't you use that out front?
Well, it's a little conspicuous
And I'm so stoned I forgot that I had it
Voila
Yeah, they definitely skipped town, all right
OK, I'll check the kitchen for clues
You check the bathroom and bedroom
What are you gonna do, find a turkey baster
with fingerprints on it? - Man, I don't know.
Just what detectives do
We gotta case the joint, follow protocol
The only thing I found in the refrigerator
was this unopened kombucha I can't believe they left it behind
- This stuff's really expensive. Look what I found
Lady shaving cream I could use some of this stuff for my neck under my beard
I usually use soap It looks like shit
I'm glad I found this I've got really bad dry mouth
What's this?
Oh, there are papers in here
Why do I always believe the labels on this health food stuff?
I think the writers they use are really good, very convincing
There's nothing with a forwarding address
I really just wanted to get Michelle pregnant and make her happy
Why don't you just try with Leah?
Because she doesn't want any more kids If she did, she wouldn't want any with me
- Why not? Because I'm broke
She's giving me an allowance I can hardly pay for all the DVDs I've been buying
How much allowance is she giving you?
Well, more than the two girls, but they're four and six
- Look at this. Hm
- Look at this, something with my name on it. Let me see this
Beth Handler and Annie Sklaver, Tavia O'Neal and Shelby Hernandez,
Dawn Miller and Samantha Bryant
There must be 30 couples on there, all female
500 bucks
They've been selling my sperm
Oh, shit, you're right
Let's get out of here We'll study this stuff later
I have to have dinner with George in the city Why are they selling my sperm?
What are you doing in this apartment?
Call the super We have intruders - No, no, no.
Everything's OK We're not doing anything
- I'm Jewish. Call 911!
Get out of my way! Ow, my knee!
Hey! Oh God, I twisted my knee
- Run! What?
- Jonathan. Suzanne
Why are you running down the street? Ah, well, it's crazy
But it's not my fault Ray got in trouble with some Hasids
Then he hurt his knee And they called 911 on us
No one's ever called 911 on me It's very scary
What are you talking about? Are you stoned?
No Hey, who's this?
Hi I didn't know you had a dog
What's his name? Philip I got him to get over you
You replaced me with a little white dog named Philip?
Yeah But you could have held on to me
I'm not neutered. I don't beg for food. I don't have to be walked
- You're obviously stoned and I... Jonathan!
We've gotta go Those Hasids got a good look at us Let's go
OK, one second One second, Ray Bye, Jonathan
Here Suzanne, wait Wait, wait, wait
You forgot these
Well, I fucked things up with her again At least you're consistent
So you think that these women are selling Ray's sperm
on some kind of, what, lesbian black market?
Yes, he may have as many as 30 children
You know something? I envy him
I always wanted a big family, to be a patriarch like Tolstoy
I sometimes do wonder if I have children out there that I don't know about
I had a lot of one night stands in the '70s
And in the '80s
Also the '60s
Jesus, I've been fucking forever
- I was conceived in the late '70s. Ah!
Excuse me, Mr Christopher A note for you
- Oh, crap. Hm?
Antrem wants us to join him for a drink
When did he ooze in here? - I don't know, but he's with Louis Greene.
That guy wrote a really bad review of my novel
Little bastard
Well, come on, let's face these assholes, shall we?
George, why are you and Antrem such enemies?
Well, I think it's because he's in love with me, which is why he hates me
It's why he married my second wife Priscilla,
so he could be close to me and yet crush me
- Thank you. You ready? Yeah
George, sit down, won't you?
Have a seat, please Sorry, we have dinner reservations
- We're just taking off. What a shame
Hi, it's Louis Greene It's an honour to meet you, sir
It's Jonathan Ames Lovely to see you
How are you, Jonathan? - Hello, Louis.
- Oh, you two know each other? Sure
Louis reviewed my novel in Slate. I believe the headline was
"Next time, Jonathan, try writing with both hands"
That's a good line What's it mean?
That I was masturbating while typing
My mother read that review Well, think of it this way
at least your novel produced one memorable phrase
I happened to write it George, sit down, please
There's something I need to tell you Please
I don't know if you know this, but Molly Brooks has been a widow for a few months now
You should call her Priscilla thinks it's a great idea
What are you talking about? Molly's in her early 70s
George, you can't keep dating women half your age forever
Priscilla's worried about you being alone What if you slip in the shower, break a hip?
Is this what you wanted to talk about? No, that's just the personal stuff
Listen, I need to give you a heads up
We're gonna be doing a coffee table book
with Random House I'm doing all the writing
It is an update of your old guide What You Need to Know New York
- Ours is called What You Need to Know Now. Now
If they're doing an update, why didn't they come to me?
They must have heard that Edition might be going under
No, that is not true Well, that's good news
What a relief I had read that Edition had to reduce its page count by 15 per cent
That's it We're out of here
Jonathan, are you working on a new book?
Yes, I am And it's coming along really well
Good I look forward to reading it then
George, I'll email you Molly's number
No, no, no, no, no
What?
Ray, how can you just sit there?
This is serious Those women stole your DNA
Who cares? Let's just pretend it never happened Whoosh
See? I've forgotten already Let's smoke some pot or something
No, I want you to do something about this
Oh, we're gonna do something about this
What are you gonna do? Call the cops and tell them my DNA was sold at a pawnshop?
You don't need the cops You've got me
Now I think we should track down all the women on this sheet
and see if any of them know anything that could lead us to Lisa and Michelle
Yeah I did that already
No one is listed in the phone book They all have cellphones
I don't even know why they make phone books any more
I think the two of you should go door to door
and hunt these criminals down
I can't believe they did this to you
I feel like I've been robbed But it's my sperm
Yeah, but your sperm is my sperm
- Really? Yes
I guess I should get my sperm stolen more often
What do you think, Jonathan?
I think they never should have messed with my friend's semen
I can't believe I fired 30 blanks
I'm a sterile loser It's because I smoke too much pot
- The government was right. You're not a loser
The cooler probably didn't freeze the sperm right, OK?
Look, there's still one couple left out in Ditmas Park
We can go there tomorrow
Shit, it's my editor Hello
Caroline How are you? I'm good I just wanted to check in
You're only a month away from your deadline
How's the work coming? Uh, well, very good
The, uh, narrator is going through a lot of emotional pain and mental pain
Why? I thought it was a comedy
about one man's failed journey through the Kama Sutra
Well, the failure is upsetting to him Oh, OK, that sounds good
You know, I was looking at this Kama Sutra stuff
on the internet for the book jacket
and I have to say I was very aroused
My husband was a terrific lover
before he died,
but I have to say, there were some things we definitely did not try
Um, that's wonderful, Caroline
Honey, I've got another call I'll talk to you later Big kiss, mwah
OK, mwah
I'm doomed
My novel's due in a month and I only have one sentence
And I don't even like it
Even that building is laughing at me
Do you think the architect purposely made it look like a gigantic cock?
Yes To humiliate me
- George. Yeah
Sorry I couldn't get here sooner I was out all day helping Ray
Yeah, come here, come here Sit down
Read this Tell me what you think
It's this week's editorial I've got to email that in
The deadline was half an hour ago
So hurry up George, this is too much
You'll be sued
"Richard Antrem has the brainpower of someone with tertiary syphilis,
"the penis of a hermaphrodite and the moral judgment of a subnormal pinhead"
You can't publish this as an editorial Why not? It's all true
But it's libel, slander And it's really long
Did you write all of this today? I haven't written this much in months
Yeah, well, it's easy when you're inspired
Keep reading
OK, George, you can't do this
You say that he has a mouth like the anus of a starfish
and that he's been suspected of plagiarism his whole career
Yeah, so let him try to prove any of it's untrue
George, do you remember when you told me
that I needed to be sane when you were insane?
No, I don't remember What's the matter with you? This is gonna be a great issue
My editorial and the comic that you did with Ray
George, I know that Antrem torments you,
but you attack GQ, calling it a women's magazine
I've had it, really Seriously, I can't take it any more
They guy's like a classic playground bully And you know how you deal with bullies?
Tell the teacher? - No, no.
You fight back You kick 'em in the balls
George, publishing this is something he would do
No, no, it's not
It wouldn't be as well written And
Send
Maybe it's best that I'm sterile
Don't say that I'd make a lousy father anyway
I wouldn't be able to tell a child all the lies you need to feed them
Like what? Like 18 years of school is fun,
and that crushing your spirit to fit in with the rest of the world is a good thing
I don't know I'd like to have a kid someday
Except I'd worry about that soft spot on top of their head
I'd want them to wear a bicycle helmet all the time
Wait, soft spot? What's a soft spot?
The soft spot, it's like a It's a very dangerous part on top of a baby's head
If you touch on it it can go right to the brain
Yeah I'll do all the talking
- Yes? Renee Dalton?
Who's asking? My name is Jonathan Ames
I'm a private detective I'm sorry, what do you want?
My associate and I have reason to believe
that you may have been sold illegally obtained sperm
We'd like to ask if you know the whereabouts of the people who sold you sperm?
And are you pregnant? Um How did you get my name?
From the apartment of two women known to us as Lisa and Michelle,
real names Margaret Duckett and Ellen Willis
My associate actually is the man whose sperm was stolen by these two
What's going on? Who are you?
- I'm Jonathan Ames. I'm a private detective. Show me some identification
Well, I'm not officially a private detective,
but I do have a New Jersey driver's licence
Right, let's go in the house They're here about the sperm we used
- It came from him. Hi
They know Lisa and Michelle
Are you telling me I'm pregnant with this guy's baby?
You're pregnant? It's very early We're not telling anyone
Yeah You're pregnant That is so exciting
- That's great that you're pregnant. This is bullshit
We're very happy This is what we wanted
Hey, hey, hey, what do you do?
The donor was supposed to be a mathematics PhD from Stanford
I went to the University of Albany. I studied art I'm a cartoonist
Are you at least a vegan?
We were told the donor would have very little mercury in his sperm
Well, I eat fish And I eat a lot of meat
A lot of meat But I've had two colonics
Oh my God, you were supposed to be a vegan with an average build
I do have an average build
I don't believe this I feel like Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby
Oh, sweetheart, it's not that bad
OK, you two get off my porch, or I'll call 911 - No, no, no, don't call 911.
I hate 911 Look, you should be happy
Ray is a great guy, he's a wonderful friend
and I'm sure he has incredible DNA I do have good DNA
There's Crohn's disease on my mom's side, but
Don't ever contact us again
You're to have nothing to do with this child. Come on
- I am so sorry. Renee
- Find me on Facebook. Renee
I'm having a baby The mother of my child hates me
It's kind of one of these
Papa
Get off my porch
To your first collaboration And to not being sterile
To having a child with a woman who hates me Here's to being just like my own father
Nice editorial, George I can't stand Antrem
I liked that line about the starfish anus
I just report what I see, gentlemen
I challenge this man!
To what, Richard?
Arm wrestling? A spelling bee?
When I was at Oxford on my Rhodes Scholarship,
we would have settled this in the ring, Queensberry rules
I challenge you to a boxing match, you old piece of shit
I don't mind saying that was a horrible piece of writing, Mr Christopher
I mean, it was indulgent and cowardly
Louis, just stay out of it
I I've known you for 25 years, Antrem,
and I've wanted to hit you for 25 years
I happily accept your challenge
And so do I I
I'll fight Louis
Say, "I accept" I I accept
Whoa, whoa, whoa, What about me? I want to fight
Can I get in on this?